Embracing slowness in postpartum and her journey as a single mother

Adelle feeding her newborn in the home she shares with her daughters

In my series on motherhood I want to portray the diversity of the motherhood experience and what it means to be a mother now. I’m interested in telling stories through other mamas to give insight into their approach to motherhood, be it their struggles, triumphs, their deepest feelings, how they have evolved and grown, perhaps how they raise their children connected to nature and live with a light footprint or how they approach mothering consciously. 

I want to portray the essence of motherhood in every family’s unique language. There is value in opening a dialogue and worth in sharing perspectives, thoughts, fears and dreams and in allowing ourselves to honour our children's innate natures and supporting ourselves as mamas.

Today I am sharing a beautiful and unique story by Adelle. She lives in Christchurch, New Zealand with her two young daughters.

All photos by Charlotte, Olive & Pop

Adelle with her daughters at home as she shares her thoughts on her motherhood journey

My name is Adelle. I am a single mother by choice and I have two beautiful daughters. Verity, my loving and cheeky three year old and Winnie who is only several weeks old currently yet she has already filled us up with so much joy. To me motherhood feels like the biggest blessing anyone could have. What an absolute privilege.

This season of life that we’re in right now feels like just surviving but at the same time thriving. From becoming awfully sick and hospitalised with meningitis in early pregnancy to the relentless bugs and illnesses Verity and I have had this year it feels like we are just trying to get through. Simultaneously our family has grown in recent weeks and this time could not have been more precious and joyous. We are finding our feet as a young family of three and embracing the slow winter newborn lifestyle.

What excites me about motherhood are the gorgeous wee things that they say and do that are so unique to just them. Verity comes out with the funniest and sweetest things that just make you wonder how she thought of that or what influenced such a gorgeous thing to say.

Verity is a bubbly, cheeky, caring and empathetic person. She is very attuned to peoples emotions, especially mine. She can understand when something is wrong, although she might not understand the complexity behind it she can show love and compassion, initiate a hug and verbally empathise “you are feeling sad”, “you need a hug” which I think is just so beautiful.

When I think about Winnie and what makes her unique as still such a little newborn I think about the pregnancy and birth and keep coming back to the saying “it was meant to be”. Trying to conceive Winnie took a toll on my emotional wellbeing and my ability to be the Mum I wanted to be to Verity. The month that she was conceived I had decided this was the last time I was going to try and then there was a positive pregnancy test. Then a few weeks later I fell very very sick with bacterial meningitis, had to be rushed to hospital, ICU for a night then on the wards for a week. I had thought surely theres no way a pregnancy of 6 weeks gestation would survive the amounts of medication pumped into me let alone a body that was very ill to carry the pregnancy. Yet she survived that ordeal. Then she made her way into the world accidentally at home in the most beautiful and calm way that sometimes I think maybe that was just how it was meant to be. I’m sure as Winnie grows up we will see her personality develop and see if these experiences are reflected.

Motherhood is something I have always wanted and hoped for. It feels like such a long time ago that I was in the decision making phase and its hard to now articulate what my thought process was. I wish I had documented some of it at the time. From thinking about wanting to become a mother to actually deciding to do it on my own there was a lot of time (years), thinking, stressing and doubting that went on. In this time my very special Aunty Michelle was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. I didn't know it at the time but in hindsight Aunty Michelle had such a special influence on me actually taking the leap to create a family on my own. Now I am so glad and grateful that Michelle and Verity got to be a part of each others lives for 6 months, although it was short there are so many special moments to look back on. 

I wanted to become a Mother, I was not interested in waiting for a relationship to establish to then venture down the parenthood pathway, I was ready now. With the prospect of a future same sex relationship needing a sperm donor anyway, it was an easy decision to go via the sperm donor route. I decided to find a donor privately opposed to going through a fertility clinic. When choosing a donor it was important to me that I felt a genuine connection, that they were someone who I would in normal situations get along with, that they were honest and open to remaining in contact in the future if my children wanted to meet or ask any questions. I am so grateful to all sperm donors and ours especially - he is such a kind and genuine person who has given us such a special gift. 

I talk about using a sperm donor openly and honestly with Verity (and will with Winnie) from the beginning. We talk in general about how all families are different and diverse, some have a Mum or Mums, some a Dad or Dads or some with both or some with someone different like a Grandparent for example. We have books that talk about stories similar to ours and books that talk about how babies are made that uses language that is inclusive of all different stories. We have a book called ‘Wish, miracle, me’ by Lindsey Coad. It is about a Mother who used a sperm donor to create her family, her beautiful poetry describes how the Mother choose to become a Mum on her own with the help of a donor and describes emotions from the Mum and the daughter as she grows older. This story is quite a long one for a toddler to sit through, yet Verity often picks it as a first choice and sits through it patiently. I think she understands that it is a very special and unique story. We also have a book called ‘What makes a baby’ by Cory Silverberg. This story talks about how you need a sperm and an egg and a place for the baby to grow and that each of those components contribute to the baby that is born. The language that is used leaves room for the reader to interpret concepts according to their own story and the way they were made. Verity is now able to tell me that I had the egg that made her and she grew in my uterus and that our sperm donor gave us the sperm.

How does it feel to be a single Mum? When you start out the journey on your own, from deciding to start a family, trying to conceive, pregnancy, birth and then actually having a the baby, it is all you know and it just feels ‘normal’ in a sense. It feels empowering. I am following the path in life that feels best to me and so are my children.

There are times when it can be daunting, for example, being solely responsible for the decision making. Whether to have a baby and follow a path that is questioned or to do what is the ‘norm’.  Fretting over the ‘what ifs’ , what if something happens to me and I am unable to care for my children, what if my children grow up and are not happy with choices I have made for them.

Pre Winnie, Verity and I were very close - still are, but with some adjustments to enable a newborn to join the mix. It was very hard to foresee how things were going to go once bubs arrived. Verity and I used to co-sleep and cuddle throughout the night, breastfeed whenever and simply I was hers and only hers. The main challenge I could foresee was the sleeping arrangement. As much as I’d love for us to all be in the same bed, I knew in reality that would not work for us in the early stages of feeding a newborn. It’s hard to prepare a three year old and make any changes to our lifestyle in advance that these things were going to change and possibly drastically when that would also be a grieving process for myself. I did not want to prematurely give up my time and closeness with Verity. I choose to lean into connection. Embrace the time that we had as the two of us. Have gentle conversations of what changes will happen when ‘baby Winnie’ was born. Now that Winnie is here, things just seem to slot into place. Verity adjusted to changes, I adjusted to changes. I gave myself and my children grace when things needed to slide. Days are slower, the house is messier, emotions are high but there is so much love and tenderness from this time that I hope that is what I look back on and remember.

I am quite a private person and generally surround myself and share my story with people who I know are supportive of me and are open minded. When people are not supportive or don't quite understand I try to educate them but also protect my emotional wellbeing and I am quite happy to only surround myself and family with positive supportive people.

All response to my story have been in a positive manner and they often express how ‘brave’ they think I am. I don’t think of myself as being someone who is ‘brave’, I just feel that I knew what I wanted and didn't let fear or societal expectations hold me back.

My family are very supportive and hands on, my Mum, step Dad and sister especially as they live next door. Their close proximity meant that Mum was able to act as a “midwife” for me and catch Winnie as she was born as things happened quicker than expected!

My sister is my number one, she has spent so much time with us in this early postpartum phase, cooking, cleaning, entertaining Verity and looking after us. This has meant that I have been able to relax more, be nourished and soak up the newborn moments with Winnie. This has been invaluable to us and I will be forever grateful to her and cannot wait to return the favour when she has kids.

I am part of a ‘single mothers by choice’ group on Facebook and we also catch up every couple months. It has been so valuable being able to connect with other Mums and families that have similar stories and experiences to share and feel although there are other people out there that just “get it”.

At the moment with a new newborn and toddler we are just taking our days as they come. If all the stars are aligned and we are happy and healthy we go out, if we just need a break or someone is sick or tired we stay home and accept that we can try again another day.

Verity goes to preschool some days during the week as she loves it and it gives time that Winnie and I can bond and relax in a way that is different to when it is the three of us. On the weekends we have ‘family nap time’ where we all hop in my bed and have an afternoon nap together. Verity finds this such a treat as since Winnie was born she has been sleeping in her own bed but will happily grab any chance to sneak back in my bed even if that is just for ‘family nap time’.

Adelle sharing her thoughts on her motherhood journey

I always knew I wanted to be a mum. There is a picture of me as a four year old breastfeeding my dolly. Having your heart running around in the world outside of you can be a hard thing to grasp. For me finding gratitude and loving my children as much as I can show them every single day helps. I hope that I will be privileged enough to be welcomed to stand alongside them in all aspects in their lives, to support them in their journeys no matter if it is good or bad. 

My hopes and dreams for my children is for them to know that they are loved and accepted no matter what. To do and be who they want and not worry about what people will think.

What I find challenging about raising children is being able to regulate my own emotions during the times the girls are finding it hard to manage their own. Remaining calm and present when they're upset can be really hard but I have found it makes the biggest difference to the way the interaction goes.

I encourage an open and honest relationship where we can talk about anything by fostering connection and by being an open and non-judgemental observer. I think traits like kindness and empathy and valuing other people come from feeling valued and feeling kindness and understanding when in distress. So I always try to teach by example and make sure my children know they are loved.

I think sometimes are parents we have expectations or ideas of what we think our child will enjoy doing, look like, act etc. Sometimes it just takes me stepping back and observing to help remember that they are a small child who is perfectly capable of learning who they are a what they want to do and supporting them in that way rather than pushing or encouraging them to do something that you think they should do.

I think role modelling confidence and self worth and self love is the best way to support children to develop into people who are proud of themselves and see themselves as worthy people. I don't talk negatively about myself or others. I alway tell my children how much I love them no matter what and talk about all their positive aspects not focussed on looks-based compliments.

I show my emotions honestly to the girls and verbalise what I’m feeling. I think that it is really important that we apologise and explain to our children that it is not their fault or burden for managing parents emotions and actions. At times when it is hard to stay calm and I shout or show my frustration in a negative way I always explain afterwards that I’m sorry and explain how I was feeling but that it was not okay for me to raise my voice, for example.

Before having the girls I saw myself as just ‘Adelle the nurse’. That’s who I was because it’s what I did as a job and how I spent most of my time. From then I became ‘just’ a Mum with no other ‘thing’ or ‘tittle’ to who I was, my whole life was revolved around being a Mum and caring for Verity. It felt very strange when I returned to work and somehow I was two different identities, a nurse and a Mum and somehow they just seemed to merge into one ‘Adelle’.

Some practical ways that I cultivate balance and self care are doing outings or activities that are mutually beneficial to the girls and myself. Going places that I know are going to improve my mental state and make me feel happy and calm like the forest rather than going to a place that is solely for Verity’s entertainment like kids indoor playgrounds.

Then there is just the basic things that sometimes can be easily overlooked but that make such a difference to the way I feel. Getting showered and dressed and putting on some mascara, making sure I eat nutritious foods, making sure we get outside everyday and leave the house every few days for social interaction.