Teaching children about kindness and emotions and going from one to two children with Heidi

An interview with Heidi, a conscious mother on how she teaches children about kindness and emotions and how she navigated going from one to two children.

In my series on motherhood I want to portray the diversity of the motherhood experience and what it means to be a mother now. I’m interested in telling stories through other mamas to give insight into their approach to motherhood, be it their struggles, triumphs, their deepest feelings, how they have evolved and grown, perhaps how they raise their children connected to nature and live with a light footprint or how they approach mothering consciously. 

I want to portray the essence of motherhood in every family’s unique language. There is value in opening a dialogue and worth in sharing perspectives, thoughts, fears and dreams and in allowing ourselves to honour our children's innate natures and supporting ourselves as mamas.

Today I have the pleasure of sharing a story by Heidi who is simply the loveliest, most generous soul. She lives with her gorgeous family right on the water’s edge in Christchurch, New Zealand. - Charlotte

Heidi and her wee boy, sharing thoughts on her family values, cultivating balance and navigating early motherhood

Motherhood…feels like I’ve come home. I had a real sense after Griff was born that I had "found my place" and that mothering is what I was absolutely designed to do.

It feels like my little family (myself, Julian, 3 year old Griffin and 4 month old Hugo) and I are in a Spring-like season with our children. We’re witnessing a huge amount of growth physically and emotionally which most of the time brings amazement at the speed of our children’s development and abilities and lots of chuckles and sometimes frustration. Spring for me also feels so hopeful - a wonderful season to be in with so much beauty to be witnessed and I feel like this is mirrored with our children. I see my role as the definition of Mum - a safe place, with a warm embrace, someone who encourages, inspires and gently guides. I always knew I wanted to be a mum but it wasn't something I felt strongly about but I just couldn't imagine not being one.

Motherhood feels like an absolute privilege to me. There are of course tough times, but I know it is such a privilege to be a mum and to journey through life with these two additional tiny humans we created. It also feels like I have come home. I had a real sense after Griff was born that I had “found my place” and that mothering is what I was absolutely designed to do and this feeling only intensified when Hugo was born. The joy and love that I experience is like no other and I have come to realise how much they teach us as adults. It is a privilege to be able to teach our children - to see them grow and respond, to have courage and to be kind.

Becoming a mum has made me slow down, appreciate the small things, to focus on love, light and laughter and not get caught up in the race of life. I find it challenging being calm and consistent and it makes me nervous that I may not be doing enough to build their resilience or to help develop good tools to face challenges in life and come out the other side stronger. Bullying and technology worry me - these are both a given in this world but both can cause so much harm. I am nervous that I don’t have the wisdom to guide my children through these things. We try to be fair and kind in our parenting and my hopes and dreams are for my children to be kind, to have faith and live a fulfilled life with an appreciation for our natural world. 

I think it is important to not keep too much emotion hidden (within reason and without giving the children cause for concern).  And with more difficult emotions like sadness and anger, I make sure there is time to sit down with the children and talk it through, like why mum was feeling that way and making any apologies if required.  

I always wonder if I am doing enough in teaching kindness, empathy and valuing other people and it’s something I struggle with on a daily basis. I hope I teach it by example and also by gentle correction. But it is hard.  And like adults, three year old don't really like to share. But it is worth it and gives me hope when I see Griffin spontaneously sharing or thinking of someone else. I also think books can be a great teacher in this space as they act out situations and give us something to talk about.
When either of us muck up we are honest and apologise to Griff if we were overly harsh, try and get down to his level and really listen to him with openness and an understanding of compromise. 

I know I am very fortunate in that I don't feel mum guilt too much, only sometimes when I leave my children with someone else or Griff at preschool. When he first started preschool I would feel heartache combined with relief to have some space to myself. But over time this feeling passes and I grow more comfortable and reassured seeing him happy and well. I am grateful that Julian is so supportive in allowing me to cultivate balance. He pushes me out the door on my own to go and sweat by biking, surfing or going to the gym. We have both worked out that physical exercise really helps with our perspective and mental health. I also know how important it is for him to be the dad without me around as it brings such a different experience to our children.  He’s usually way more relaxed and is typically more adventurous than me.   

We love going on adventures together as a family and now we do our best to include our little humans in what we love like mountain biking and snow skiing. We have done a number of overnight mountain biking and hiking trips with Griff and as Hugo gets older we have ambitions to do these as a family of four. Each winter we have carried Griff up to Broken River, our favourite little ski field which requires hiking to the day lodge to hang out and play in the snow.
I say the word privilege a lot but I really do feel that with breastfeeding. I breastfed Griff until 22 months and I am currently breastfeeding Hugo. It means the world to me that I can do it. I love that my babies have a space to come to, to snuggle in all warm, hear mum’s heartbeat and just drink on tap. It also makes me giggle as I see evidence of their personalities in those early days of breastfeeding.  The shark hunt with their mouth for the nipple. The sigh of contentment when it’s found. The gentle beating of the breast with their fist to bring down the milk. The furious sucking to keep up with the flow. The kicking with their feet when they want more. The slow eye roll back when their tummy is filled. And now as Hugo is 4 months and the world is so, so interesting, he leans back and smiles at me whilst holding on to the nipple. It also amazes me that I can grow this human from my body. And in the early days with Griff I had that wonder that so many people spent their first months of life also breastfeeding. I used to walk around and look at all these burly big men and think you were probably breastfeed.  I think I was just getting my head around the intensity and demand of the role.

I felt a keen sense of both expansion and loss when Griff was born.  I remember thinking it felt so right to be a mum, and I had finally found my place, but at the same time I think it took me a year before I felt like myself again - or perhaps I simply felt comfortable in my new skin. And as I was pregnant with Hugo I felt nervous about growing our family from one to two children. I was worried about Griff and how he would feel. But I certainly did not anticipate some of the feelings I would have towards Griff. When he came home  to meet Hugo after spending two nights at Grandma’s house when I was giving birth I felt annoyed and angry at him for being his usual boisterous three year old self. It made me really sad that I felt like that. Before Hugo was born, Griff was the absolute centre of my world and then he was having to shuffle over a little to accommodate a brand new human. I still loved Griff so much but I guess there were hormones at play which made me protective towards Hugo. Over time these feelings have eased and it’s like the love increased for both children and we are now in a good groove. Griff also gave us a honeymoon 6 week period of usual behaviour which helped with the adjustment (we also had a lot of family around to help). And then we experienced another 6 weeks of more challenging and trying behaviour. But that too has now eased. The love that I see Griff give Hugo, and the smiles that Hugo gives Griff are a joy to behold.  And now it feels like Hugo has always been here. Having Hugo has just felt like an expansion because I had already made the journey to being a parent and now my arms for hugs just need to be wider.  

I think that consciously building self worth, confidence and self love is incredibly important. Perhaps this is too simplistic, but I think a lot of our issues as adults stem from a lack of these qualities. But how to develop them is another question! I think being an example is a great teacher, to show our children our own strong sense of self, to allow our children to see us try and fail and try again. To love them unconditionally. To let them know that although we might not approve of their decisions or choices, a hug is always available. To encourage them to try and to fail. To praise their effort with less focus on the outcome.  

Heidi and her wee boy sharing her thoughts on motherhood and a love-filled family bond as her family grows.