Gentle parenting and conscious motherhood thoughts with Selena

In my series on motherhood I want to portray the diversity of the motherhood experience and what it means to be a mother now. I’m interested in telling stories through other mamas to give insight into their approach to motherhood, be it their struggles, triumphs, their deepest feelings, how they have evolved and grown, perhaps how they raise their children connected to nature and live with a light footprint or how they approach mothering consciously. 

I want to portray the essence of motherhood in every family’s unique language. There is value in opening a dialogue and worth in sharing perspectives, thoughts, fears and dreams and in allowing ourselves to honour our children's innate natures and supporting ourselves as mamas.

Today I’m sharing a story from Selena who lives with her wee boy Melakhai surrounded by nature in Banks Peninsula, New Zealand. - Charlotte

All photos by Charlotte Clements (copyright olive & pop)

Since having Melakhai my spirit, mind and body expanded in all directions; anchored, matured, set free, soared, nourished. Melakhai inspires me purely by being himself, smiling freely, observing non-judgementally, exploring with innate confidence, whining when he’s hurt, tired, confused, feels alone. My philosophy is simply to spend time together. Music, air, birds, trees, water, sand, sky, play, tickles, cloth, movement, twirling, listening, talking, finding, rhythm, closeness, funny faces, observing.

With Melakhai I encourage openness and honesty by being just that and by communicating naturally through the day. My partnership with my child is centred on the belief that we are both one purely experiencing this dream of mother and child. So, partnership is support and respect and empathy and forgiveness, the encouragement of us to follow their joy. I feel that I can develop my child but I see more of my duty to not de-develop him. He is whole, pure and completely aware. May I be careful to be his kaitiaki (guardian) in purely maintaining his wellness and fullness.

That my child has allowed for aspects of personal growth is both the most confronting and developmentally fulfilling chord of the parental melody. Redesigning the structure of how I place myself…old traditions or reputations. This is challenging because a large chunk of how I view my worth is, I’m beginning to realise, based on the weave I wove myself to be and with the threads structured to a largely different pattern, my pre-woven me is now undergoing the initial stages of this next, of course some threads remain, just woven differently.

Motherhood is an oasis. For so long I felt this opportunity would be an eternal mirage, due to my fears and doubts of just not being ready enough. I feel everything from this point is an extra blessing. Often I find myself needing to remember how luscious this journey is when I’m exhausted or finances are dry or my body’s dehydrated. The moments to remember how far I’ve come and how utterly blessed I am to be mothering.

I am playing the role of mother and friend, occasionally I feel I am attempting beyond my wishes to manifest the practical fatherly roles, however they tend to flop. I choose in these situations to let the task go and not to be down on myself. To be honest guilt doesn’t hang around too long because I trust that I’m doing the best I can from my hand of consciousness and perhaps my mind only magnifies certain aspects of ‘what should be’ out of habit or conditioning that essentially is or are not true.

I have always wanted to be a mum. For 10 years after my first child died young, I was a mum, a mum without a child. Becoming a mother - this time round - I’m anchored in constant purpose. My approach to life is simplifying, if anything. The virtues seem more eminent as a practical guideline towards having ample space and peace in one’s consciousness, such space enabling a clear and deep absorption of the most beautiful moments we encounter. Financial ability is my point of anxiety, making and managing money.

Breastfeeding is ‘u kai po’ our sanctuary, our ever home to return to when we are in need of rest and care. It’s the place where the circle never ends, as pure and simple as motherhood gets! It feels animal in the experience of gazing upon your suckling babe, is a primeval and a confirmation that I’m doing what I’m made to be doing.

My hope for Melakhai’s generation is for power of choices, the little things, a pace without too much screen time, unnatural light, an awareness of humanity as one giant organism, acknowledgment of the sentient mother earth.

I perceive that the global citizen is one who sees malleability in where and how one’s living to respect all and have a mind exercised to see from multiple angles. I want my child to learn about the world from having ample free time, to just sit and watch, if anything else, to touch and feel. To feel so well cared for inside and out that his experience of the world is like an open vessel.

My boy has a solo mum, to what I perceive  - a far more harmonious day to day existence. A major memory of mine growing up is fear of my father and feeling innately a nuisance. I hope the exact opposite for my son. I hope to secure him with a benevolent, practical male role model. I think Melakhai views me with absolute trust and a dollop of caution at times - I like this - I want him to see all my faults and accept that I am just as much of a growing and learning human as he is. 

I wish to soak in the abundance of gratitude. I choose not to be excited for I have experienced excitement breeds expectation and expectation generally tends to fall short, leaving a residue of dullness and ‘I wishness’. I cultivate balance through abundant exercise: walking, dancing, playing, making a point of acknowledging the sunset, allowing myself to rest and have my child entertain himself. I think this serves both parties more than over-stretching myself. Balancing through rhythm and routine. Everyday, all through the day, wherever you can, sit on the earth, lay beneath the trees, the clouds, listen to the birds, become familiar with the earth’s plants, take your time, encounter your creature-ness.